Fresh Air.

Its been awhile. Today I feel inspired.

I signed onto etwn.com and found this quote beneath today's readings.

++ Christ does not force our will, He only takes what we give Him. But He does not give Himself entirely until He sees that we yield ourselves entirely to Him. – St Teresa of Avila ++

I have to be honest. Upon reading that quote, I did experience a small pang of guilt. I thought to myself, "Damn, I am so selfish." How often do I sit in prayer and think, "Ok God, for real this time!" As in, "Ok God, I want to yield myself entirely to you in this moment, but in 10 minutes, I may have changed my mind. Definitely by tomorrow I'll have already unyielded." He probably gets so excited when I say 'how for real I am' and yet, I retreat. It amazes me that He hasn't walked away yet, that He hasn't decided that I am too inconsistent for Him, to untrusting, too unfaithful. I honestly have not yet wrapped my brain and heart around the idea that HE IS NEVER WALKING AWAY. I mean, He should want to, right? (ha)

Our dear and loving God is such a safe God – a God who waits, a God who seeks, a God who loves more perfectly than any love we have ever known. It is amazing to me that He is so patient with me, that He is so attuned to my needs, that He knows when is too much and when is not. In all of the successful, holy relationships in my life, it is still (and will always be) virtually impossible for any of those people to know JUST what I need, when I need it. What a concept to know that My God, without explanation, without request, waits for me, knows me, and gradually works through me.

I think of a packing box, full of junk – things not needed, things wanted, things deserved, things requested, things earned, etc. The time comes when you need to fill in more things needed, good things, Holy Things, and there's no room. The bargain game begins – what can I get rid of to make room but hang on to as to not let go, not throw out, not 'feel empty?' So, you make a small amount of room and add the Holy Things, or as much as you can fit in this three-quarters full packing box. Its not long before you realize you need EVEN MORE Holy Things, so you engage again in the bargain game. Again, what can you let go of? What can you keep? Adding, slowly, more Holy Things.

Our Good Lord, in all of his miraculous efforts, COULD fit all of Who He Is in that box. He could find the room, make the room, adjust, add, subtract, multiply, divide, etc. He could force himself in until the box only closes when you stack 12 encyclopedias on top, jam it hard between both your right and left feet, and aggressively close it with a tape gun... until the next time you need it. He could. He doesn't. He waits. He wants you to make the room, to invite, to yield. He wants you to bargain with yourself until there is no more bargaining. He wants you to desire His Presence as the only contents of the now bent, folded, and mutilated packing box.

Good Lord, how patient you are!?!

I love that it is up to me. I love the ownership of that. I find freedom in the Patience of My Creator. I find freedom in the idea that He will never force, never pry, never demand. I hate it too. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from Loving more perfectly. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from having a box full of Holy Things. I wish that I knew how to be fully open, fully yielded.

I am determined. Today I will untape my box; I will not bargain; I will not worry about tomorrow; I will not find more clutter to fill the space. I will simply remove the encyclopedias, untape my box and open all four flaps.

If nothing else, the contents of my box will get Fresh Air.