Sunday-passionate

"You don't know how to pray? Put yourself in the presence of God, and as soon as you have said, "Lord, I don't know how to pray!" you can be sure you have already begun."
- St. Josemaira Escriva

Praise the Good Lord for this! I love this. I signed onto ewtn.com to get today's reading and before I could even dive into those, I marveled in this quote from yesterday! I feel like so often, no matter how "good" I am doing, I experience this type of prayer - the prayer that consists of me just sitting there, explaining to God that I don't know where to start or what to say. It always seems to work out that if I sit there long enough, SOMETHING happens - whether it be me or Him. Best thing about Adoration is that you don't even need anything to say; that's why I think I love it so much.

Speaking of sitting there, not knowing where to start, I usually take Sunday evenings to re-group and re-focus on life. Very often when I kneel down for the first time on Sunday, I am faced with the "I don't know what to say, but I am present and wanting" mindset. Nonetheless, Sunday usually comes along with a new list of things to do for the week as well as the examination of conscience from the previous week. It is very often that I feel like I am starting all over again come Monday morning and I think I am beginning to wonder why one simple week is so often long enough to undo my Sunday evening convictions. Whether it be prayer or diet/exercise or keeping up with friends, I feel like the week days are so good at distracting me from the things I am Sunday-passionate about. My goal this week is to sit back next Sunday and say, "Thank you, Lord, for my focused and consistent week in which I knew how to pray..."

I can only imagine what I have just welcomed into my week by stating this. ha. I imagine the Good Lord will be called upon often this week. However, the prayer has already begun and I am interested in seeing what I can do to maintain Sunday-passion...

Feasting.

"Do everything for the love of God and His glory without looking at the outcome of the undertaking. Work is judged, not by its result, but by its intention." - Padre Pio

For whatever reason, ewtn.com chose this quote today to celebrate the Feast Day of Padre Pio. I won't pretend like I know a lot about Padre Pio, but what I will say is that this quote speaks directly to my life. Odd that they would choose this out of the entire Padre Pio spectrum of inspiration but nonetheless it is another reminder of my habit to make sure that I am always in control. I cannot tell you how often I dive into things simply because I know they will work out and not only work out but prove to be successful. I most often judge my own work on results, or pending results, not on intentions, which are most often centered around creating good results. Ironic how that works, right? Very rarely do I risk an undertaking that accompanies doubt or fear and when I do, its usually the "biggest risk in my life" thus far. Needless to say, I've only taken a handful of those. ;)

I know that this "conservative outlook" on my emotional, spiritual, and tangible endeavors – risking only as far as I feel safe – comes from my fears that He will not know how to take care of me in the ways I need to be taken care of; that the things I want won't be the things He wants for me; or that I have too much to lose by surrending control over to Someone Else. I fear results. I hate that I operate in this way. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, my ability to surrender has increased in noticeable increments; however, I continue to wish that I could define myself as 'wrecklessly abandoned.' I feel like this level of abandonment only renders good intentions, in turn yielding good results, whether or not they turn out as planned. I know God could use me in ways beyond my comprehension if I was wreckless in Him, even if just in my own spiritual life. If I truly believed that He ALWAYS has my best interests in mind, my intentions would revolve around Him, without concern for results. Its not like He hasn't proved it to me, if that's even necessary, but I continue to ask Him for more assurance, probably as a way of procrastinating the abandonment.

As a woman who understands her dire need of being in a trusting relationship with her Creator, I am thankful for my renewed desire to journey through this habit of craving control. I love the simplicity of focusing on intentions and not on results. My God, who loves me beyond my own comprehension, will yield only fruit from good & holy intentions. I must learn to ask myself, "Do I love Him through this endeavor? Am I sure this is not my own adventure?"

She Adores Too.

Recently we had a substitute priest in Erath – Father Stimmons I believe was his name. After communion, before the band played their meditational song, he encouraged the congregation to close our eyes and envision Mary kneeling before each one of us adoring the Jesus inside of us. What a humbling yet dignified moment for me. I saw her, kneeling there, with her arms lifted and her face strewn with tears, yearning to touch the heart of Jesus that rest inside of me. What a phenomenal moment! The idea that the Jesus inside of me is something to be adored, specifically, worth HER adoration, is something I've never experienced. Not only that, but I kept experiencing a sense of humility – wanting to put myself aside enough to let Him be big enough for her to experience. How beautiful of a thought this was for me. I felt so near not only to Him, but especially to her. I felt like I related to her passionate adoration – both of us bonded through our love for our Jesus. I think back to that image and think, 'Where two or three are gathered in His name...' I feel as if there's no better way to connect with her. In some ways, I am the "new womb" that carries the heart of Christ through the Eucharist. Her appreciation for my heart and for my Christ-contents were a sense of affirmation for me; her approval and blessing on my heart as a Christian woman.

Its funny that it has taken over two weeks for this experience to settle in and take meaning. I love how that works. A seed is planted and eventually it sprouts its way forward into something more meaningful than I ever imagined.
I looked back on this moment given to be my the priest when I was in the Chapel last night. In the Chapel, its easy to relate to Christ – you're staring at him. But her, well, she's a different story. I have come leaps and bounds over the last two years of my life in getting to know the Heart of Mary. This vision for me is a new way to explore her heart as The Woman, as The Mom, as The Adorer. I felt like she was there with me, in perfect sync, feeling what I was feeling, as I explored the Jesus inside of me...

Respondent

Good Thursday morning. I sit amazed at the fact that I have initiated myself into this blogging world. I have been so adamant for so long against it, but for some reason, when I sat down to journal this morning, I decided I wanted it to be online – to be something I could share if and when time allowed. I have no idea how consistent this will be in my life, nor how often I will share it with others, but I wanted to at least try my hand at it all.

This morning's 1st Reading is one of my favorites, despite the amount of times I have heard it in Church, at weddings, in testimonies, and beyond. Yes, of course, its the often-read 1 Corinthians 13. However, also included in today's first reading is 1 Corinthians 12:31 – "But earnestly desire the higher gifts..." If I could, I'd spend all day just talking about this...

The word earnestly is so specific and so humbling. How often do I wish to have a life chocked full of "the higher gifts" but how often do I work and desire that life EARNESTLY? I think more often than not the higher gifts seem too far away when it comes down to it. I am happy to report that lately I have felt like the higher gifts have been much more attainable in my life. Call it maturity, call it age, regardless, I feel as if the higher gifts have become something I not only desire greatly to attain, but arrange my life around attaining. It has become more of a responsibility of mine to make sure that I am earnest in my efforts with the Lord.

The rest of the story, 1 Corinthians 13: 1–10, 13, we've all heard before. This very scripture changed my life, literally, about a year and a half ago. Love became something not to be referred to but to be embodied. I heard a testimony one time, while staffing a high school retreat, about the discernment of love – whether or not "she/he is THE one?" The testimonee delivered the best portrayal of a living Gospel when he explained that in this "timeworn" message, how often have you asked yourself, "am I patient, am I kind, do I bear all things, believe all things, and hope all things?" And, what about he/she? Does he/she bear all things, believe all things, wish to endure all things? Its a clear and definitive rubric for our lives – when things get stale, what better way to revive; when things get confusing, what better way to clarify; when times are tough, what better way to encourage?

I am pleased to report that for today, my heart is respondent to this Scripture. It is aroused by the idea that my life must be lived earnestly – with the higher gifts that the Lord has for me seen as gifts that can and should be mine; with the intention of actually grasping hold of the Will in my life, not just wishing to.