As seen on a friend's blog –
"GK Chesterton's definition of a saint lies on my heart again. He says a saint is one who exaggerates what the world neglects. If I could choose one great gift that the world is neglecting I would have to choose feminine energy. It is what we need to save the world. It is what we need to be saints. Feminine energy is powerful because it is pure presence--gentle yet firm. It is an energy that gives warmth, comfort, and spirit simply by its presence. It receives rather than takes. It invites rather than demands. It unfolds rather than controls. It empowers rather than overpowers. It finds itself in being rather than in doing. Feminine energy shows her best face in leisure. She doesn't take time. She has time. She has time to be. This world is starving for this energy. It is part of the fire Christ came to cast on the earth-- a slow flame that burns from within and gradually transforms what it touches, precisely because it touches rather than clutches."
– A Tree Full of Angels by Macrina Wiederkehr



I love that. I have nothing more to say. :)

Thus begins Advent...

Its the First Week of the Advent season and I started my morning off with a good, early workout before work. I decided to start off this season by making room for the good – the riddance of insecurities, of pride, of laziness, of fear, etc. I have embraced the season and have felt convicted to base it around prayer. An in-depth search for what Christ has for me this season. I also began the Immaculate Conception Novena last night, as it will lead me right up to December 8th, the feast of the Immaculate Conception. Through this I will be discerning a ministry opportunity that I was provided. I know that She will provide for me the confirmation I will need. I am also excited for the goals in which Josh and I have set for Advent. I know that this will be a beautiful season. May the Good Lord move in great ways as we prepare to celebrate the Anniversary of His Birth....

Fresh Air.

Its been awhile. Today I feel inspired.

I signed onto etwn.com and found this quote beneath today's readings.

++ Christ does not force our will, He only takes what we give Him. But He does not give Himself entirely until He sees that we yield ourselves entirely to Him. – St Teresa of Avila ++

I have to be honest. Upon reading that quote, I did experience a small pang of guilt. I thought to myself, "Damn, I am so selfish." How often do I sit in prayer and think, "Ok God, for real this time!" As in, "Ok God, I want to yield myself entirely to you in this moment, but in 10 minutes, I may have changed my mind. Definitely by tomorrow I'll have already unyielded." He probably gets so excited when I say 'how for real I am' and yet, I retreat. It amazes me that He hasn't walked away yet, that He hasn't decided that I am too inconsistent for Him, to untrusting, too unfaithful. I honestly have not yet wrapped my brain and heart around the idea that HE IS NEVER WALKING AWAY. I mean, He should want to, right? (ha)

Our dear and loving God is such a safe God – a God who waits, a God who seeks, a God who loves more perfectly than any love we have ever known. It is amazing to me that He is so patient with me, that He is so attuned to my needs, that He knows when is too much and when is not. In all of the successful, holy relationships in my life, it is still (and will always be) virtually impossible for any of those people to know JUST what I need, when I need it. What a concept to know that My God, without explanation, without request, waits for me, knows me, and gradually works through me.

I think of a packing box, full of junk – things not needed, things wanted, things deserved, things requested, things earned, etc. The time comes when you need to fill in more things needed, good things, Holy Things, and there's no room. The bargain game begins – what can I get rid of to make room but hang on to as to not let go, not throw out, not 'feel empty?' So, you make a small amount of room and add the Holy Things, or as much as you can fit in this three-quarters full packing box. Its not long before you realize you need EVEN MORE Holy Things, so you engage again in the bargain game. Again, what can you let go of? What can you keep? Adding, slowly, more Holy Things.

Our Good Lord, in all of his miraculous efforts, COULD fit all of Who He Is in that box. He could find the room, make the room, adjust, add, subtract, multiply, divide, etc. He could force himself in until the box only closes when you stack 12 encyclopedias on top, jam it hard between both your right and left feet, and aggressively close it with a tape gun... until the next time you need it. He could. He doesn't. He waits. He wants you to make the room, to invite, to yield. He wants you to bargain with yourself until there is no more bargaining. He wants you to desire His Presence as the only contents of the now bent, folded, and mutilated packing box.

Good Lord, how patient you are!?!

I love that it is up to me. I love the ownership of that. I find freedom in the Patience of My Creator. I find freedom in the idea that He will never force, never pry, never demand. I hate it too. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from Loving more perfectly. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from having a box full of Holy Things. I wish that I knew how to be fully open, fully yielded.

I am determined. Today I will untape my box; I will not bargain; I will not worry about tomorrow; I will not find more clutter to fill the space. I will simply remove the encyclopedias, untape my box and open all four flaps.

If nothing else, the contents of my box will get Fresh Air.

Ephesians 1:7-10 – In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us. For he has made known to us in all wisdom and insight the mystery of his will, according to his purpose which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Today is Thursday. I cannot tell you how exhausted I feel right now. As I read that Scripture, I am overwhelmed with how important it is for me to get myself to Confession soon. I know the exhaustion and the wear-and-tear that I feel right now is due in part to the need for a renewal of soul and spirit. I am aware of my disconnection with Him and gradually, my heart yearns more and more to be reunited.

This week has been one of the most challenging weeks at work ever. My head cannot wrap itself around the fact that its already Thursday. You know when you are driving and you get to your destination only to realize you don't quite remember how you got there. Dangerous, I know. I relate that to my week this week.... its just as dangerous spiritually to arrive at the end of the week and not quite know how you got here.

I am making a personal commitment to get myself to the Sacraments today/tomorrow. Its necessary for me to be renewed and fulfilled. He lavishes His grace upon me. All I have to do is receive.

Sunday-passionate

"You don't know how to pray? Put yourself in the presence of God, and as soon as you have said, "Lord, I don't know how to pray!" you can be sure you have already begun."
- St. Josemaira Escriva

Praise the Good Lord for this! I love this. I signed onto ewtn.com to get today's reading and before I could even dive into those, I marveled in this quote from yesterday! I feel like so often, no matter how "good" I am doing, I experience this type of prayer - the prayer that consists of me just sitting there, explaining to God that I don't know where to start or what to say. It always seems to work out that if I sit there long enough, SOMETHING happens - whether it be me or Him. Best thing about Adoration is that you don't even need anything to say; that's why I think I love it so much.

Speaking of sitting there, not knowing where to start, I usually take Sunday evenings to re-group and re-focus on life. Very often when I kneel down for the first time on Sunday, I am faced with the "I don't know what to say, but I am present and wanting" mindset. Nonetheless, Sunday usually comes along with a new list of things to do for the week as well as the examination of conscience from the previous week. It is very often that I feel like I am starting all over again come Monday morning and I think I am beginning to wonder why one simple week is so often long enough to undo my Sunday evening convictions. Whether it be prayer or diet/exercise or keeping up with friends, I feel like the week days are so good at distracting me from the things I am Sunday-passionate about. My goal this week is to sit back next Sunday and say, "Thank you, Lord, for my focused and consistent week in which I knew how to pray..."

I can only imagine what I have just welcomed into my week by stating this. ha. I imagine the Good Lord will be called upon often this week. However, the prayer has already begun and I am interested in seeing what I can do to maintain Sunday-passion...

Feasting.

"Do everything for the love of God and His glory without looking at the outcome of the undertaking. Work is judged, not by its result, but by its intention." - Padre Pio

For whatever reason, ewtn.com chose this quote today to celebrate the Feast Day of Padre Pio. I won't pretend like I know a lot about Padre Pio, but what I will say is that this quote speaks directly to my life. Odd that they would choose this out of the entire Padre Pio spectrum of inspiration but nonetheless it is another reminder of my habit to make sure that I am always in control. I cannot tell you how often I dive into things simply because I know they will work out and not only work out but prove to be successful. I most often judge my own work on results, or pending results, not on intentions, which are most often centered around creating good results. Ironic how that works, right? Very rarely do I risk an undertaking that accompanies doubt or fear and when I do, its usually the "biggest risk in my life" thus far. Needless to say, I've only taken a handful of those. ;)

I know that this "conservative outlook" on my emotional, spiritual, and tangible endeavors – risking only as far as I feel safe – comes from my fears that He will not know how to take care of me in the ways I need to be taken care of; that the things I want won't be the things He wants for me; or that I have too much to lose by surrending control over to Someone Else. I fear results. I hate that I operate in this way. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, my ability to surrender has increased in noticeable increments; however, I continue to wish that I could define myself as 'wrecklessly abandoned.' I feel like this level of abandonment only renders good intentions, in turn yielding good results, whether or not they turn out as planned. I know God could use me in ways beyond my comprehension if I was wreckless in Him, even if just in my own spiritual life. If I truly believed that He ALWAYS has my best interests in mind, my intentions would revolve around Him, without concern for results. Its not like He hasn't proved it to me, if that's even necessary, but I continue to ask Him for more assurance, probably as a way of procrastinating the abandonment.

As a woman who understands her dire need of being in a trusting relationship with her Creator, I am thankful for my renewed desire to journey through this habit of craving control. I love the simplicity of focusing on intentions and not on results. My God, who loves me beyond my own comprehension, will yield only fruit from good & holy intentions. I must learn to ask myself, "Do I love Him through this endeavor? Am I sure this is not my own adventure?"

She Adores Too.

Recently we had a substitute priest in Erath – Father Stimmons I believe was his name. After communion, before the band played their meditational song, he encouraged the congregation to close our eyes and envision Mary kneeling before each one of us adoring the Jesus inside of us. What a humbling yet dignified moment for me. I saw her, kneeling there, with her arms lifted and her face strewn with tears, yearning to touch the heart of Jesus that rest inside of me. What a phenomenal moment! The idea that the Jesus inside of me is something to be adored, specifically, worth HER adoration, is something I've never experienced. Not only that, but I kept experiencing a sense of humility – wanting to put myself aside enough to let Him be big enough for her to experience. How beautiful of a thought this was for me. I felt so near not only to Him, but especially to her. I felt like I related to her passionate adoration – both of us bonded through our love for our Jesus. I think back to that image and think, 'Where two or three are gathered in His name...' I feel as if there's no better way to connect with her. In some ways, I am the "new womb" that carries the heart of Christ through the Eucharist. Her appreciation for my heart and for my Christ-contents were a sense of affirmation for me; her approval and blessing on my heart as a Christian woman.

Its funny that it has taken over two weeks for this experience to settle in and take meaning. I love how that works. A seed is planted and eventually it sprouts its way forward into something more meaningful than I ever imagined.
I looked back on this moment given to be my the priest when I was in the Chapel last night. In the Chapel, its easy to relate to Christ – you're staring at him. But her, well, she's a different story. I have come leaps and bounds over the last two years of my life in getting to know the Heart of Mary. This vision for me is a new way to explore her heart as The Woman, as The Mom, as The Adorer. I felt like she was there with me, in perfect sync, feeling what I was feeling, as I explored the Jesus inside of me...

Respondent

Good Thursday morning. I sit amazed at the fact that I have initiated myself into this blogging world. I have been so adamant for so long against it, but for some reason, when I sat down to journal this morning, I decided I wanted it to be online – to be something I could share if and when time allowed. I have no idea how consistent this will be in my life, nor how often I will share it with others, but I wanted to at least try my hand at it all.

This morning's 1st Reading is one of my favorites, despite the amount of times I have heard it in Church, at weddings, in testimonies, and beyond. Yes, of course, its the often-read 1 Corinthians 13. However, also included in today's first reading is 1 Corinthians 12:31 – "But earnestly desire the higher gifts..." If I could, I'd spend all day just talking about this...

The word earnestly is so specific and so humbling. How often do I wish to have a life chocked full of "the higher gifts" but how often do I work and desire that life EARNESTLY? I think more often than not the higher gifts seem too far away when it comes down to it. I am happy to report that lately I have felt like the higher gifts have been much more attainable in my life. Call it maturity, call it age, regardless, I feel as if the higher gifts have become something I not only desire greatly to attain, but arrange my life around attaining. It has become more of a responsibility of mine to make sure that I am earnest in my efforts with the Lord.

The rest of the story, 1 Corinthians 13: 1–10, 13, we've all heard before. This very scripture changed my life, literally, about a year and a half ago. Love became something not to be referred to but to be embodied. I heard a testimony one time, while staffing a high school retreat, about the discernment of love – whether or not "she/he is THE one?" The testimonee delivered the best portrayal of a living Gospel when he explained that in this "timeworn" message, how often have you asked yourself, "am I patient, am I kind, do I bear all things, believe all things, and hope all things?" And, what about he/she? Does he/she bear all things, believe all things, wish to endure all things? Its a clear and definitive rubric for our lives – when things get stale, what better way to revive; when things get confusing, what better way to clarify; when times are tough, what better way to encourage?

I am pleased to report that for today, my heart is respondent to this Scripture. It is aroused by the idea that my life must be lived earnestly – with the higher gifts that the Lord has for me seen as gifts that can and should be mine; with the intention of actually grasping hold of the Will in my life, not just wishing to.