Loving Together

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I cannot help but think of all the new decisions Josh and I must make on a daily basis now that we are preparing to be parents. Decisions that may have come easily prior to our expecting don't seem as easy anymore. There feels more to lose. There feels more to risk. At the same time, the weight of these decisions brings a sense of aliveness that I have never felt before, that I have never lived through. It makes me acknowledge in a very present way all that our future may hold. The possibilities, the struggles, the joys, the history that we will write together. I guess it is the first time he and I feel as if we are faced with writing our own story. Everything has come so easily up until now. Falling in love just happened. Getting married was perfect. Our love for each other withstanding. I have no doubts that God has us in the palm of His hand. And, as our Gospel read at our wedding, He has our best interest and our best needs in mind. He knows what we need. I just pray that God continues to place HEAVILY on our hearts where He wants us, what Yes's he wants us to give, and what boundaries He wishes us to place. This man that I continue to look outwardly with, this man that loves me far greater than I could ever understand, is the man that I choose to walk into Heaven with. I beg that God continues to place on our hearts the ways in which He will have us go.

Our First Ultrasound

You realize the enormity of the miracle when you see your baby for the first time, even though Baby Thomas is 9 weeks old and only an inch long. As Josh and I stood there, realizing that it was us who had taken part in this miracle, I couldn't help but smile at where God would bring us over the next 9 months (and a lifetime to come).
Despite the sickness and despite the trials of this first trimester, I can confidently say that I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I needed that image. I needed that moment.

May God grace the health and happiness of our child. And, I find it no coincidence that this experience fell on the Monday of the NATIONAL PRO-LIFE WEEK.

I found the quote below online, and, to be honest, I couldn't have said it better. I know its a little wordy. It takes a few readings before it sinks in. It really explains how I've felt, walking around in a world that doesn't feel the same anymore.....


+++

"Pregnant women! They had that weird frisson, an aura of magic that combined awkwardly with an earthy sense of duty. Mundane, because they were nothing unique on the suburban streets; ethereal because their attention was ever somewhere else. Whatever you said was trivial. And they had that preciousness which they imposed wherever they went, compelling attention, constantly reminding you that they carried the future inside, its contours already drawn, but veiled, private, an inner secret." -- Ruth Morgan

As continued from Erin Cart....

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make! (Though I hope you will!)
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It'll be done this year {might be a little while}
4. You get no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry or maybe even some creation I haven't even invented yet. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer to do the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did, win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me!

Been awhile...

I have not gathered my thoughts and blogged in a very long time. I realize that so much has happened since my last entry. The Lord is funny how He works. He moves BIG mountains, uncovers huge lessons, guides right on through, and continues to be a source of strength and consistency. I am so blessed to report that I am newly engaged. Josh proposed on New Year's Eve and I am still unable to find the right words to communicate the wonderful shock of surprise and blessing. For those of you who do not know the dynamic of our relationship, we were the epitome of a surprise engagement.

Josh is a traditional country gentleman from Southern Louisiana who has fallen in love with me, a contemporary, city-girl currently employed as a graphic designer. Weird how that always works. Getting married was something we obviously wanted, but rarely discussed... if ever. On New Year's Eve of this year, while preparing for our annual bonfire, Josh asked if I'd go 'take a look at something with him.' (Little did I know or expect that he'd be taking me to see the wonderful image of him on a knee holding an engagement ring.) We loaded up onto a 4-wheeler and took off into the sunset, only to pull up into the middle of nowhere – a field behind his dad's house that Josh has always expressed wanting to have a house on one day. When we pulled up, I was definitely confused, but, of course, this wouldn't be anything unusual. The shock began when he started talking – I mean, the reality is that you never know WHAT you're about to hear when they start with, "There's just some things I wanted to talk to you about..." He started out discussing his New Year's Resolutions and moved into asking me to take a walk with him. As we started meandering further into this empty field, my heart began pounding quicker and if I had to guess, I'd say I was probably short of breath. Then, he starts with, "One day, I want to have a house here that I want you to make a home..." I was a little overwhelmed at such great sentiments, but still unsure of where he was going with it all. He took me a few yards from where we were parked, still I remained so cold and so curious. Then, out of nowhere, he led me to a beautiful dozen roses with wine on ice and a camera. Immediately I knew something wasn't normal; that this may be the moment I had always heard of. When I turned around wondering what was going on, he was on a knee – with tears in his eyes, he asked if "I'd spend the rest of my life with him!?" I, obviously, said yes and we stood there in the sunset and embraced. It was beautiful and unexpected and a great start to new journey.

We are currently in the process of planning our wedding. Many fun opportunities come along with this and even though some decisions can be stressful, I am so excited to be planning OUR WEDDING. It still has not seeped in all the way and I gradually grab hold of this beautiful reality one day at a time. Some days it seems too good to be true; other days I feel like its a dream. I am so lucky to have this man in my life. I am so thankful for the ways he loves me. Our relationship has drawn so much closer as we are now able to explore all sorts of conversations that we had never had before. Its been very exciting and I am so excited to see where we are led from here....

The wedding is on October 2, 2009. I ask that all prayers be extended our way. He is the man I always prayed and hoped for. I am so thankful to God who has provided in SO many ways....

As seen on a friend's blog –
"GK Chesterton's definition of a saint lies on my heart again. He says a saint is one who exaggerates what the world neglects. If I could choose one great gift that the world is neglecting I would have to choose feminine energy. It is what we need to save the world. It is what we need to be saints. Feminine energy is powerful because it is pure presence--gentle yet firm. It is an energy that gives warmth, comfort, and spirit simply by its presence. It receives rather than takes. It invites rather than demands. It unfolds rather than controls. It empowers rather than overpowers. It finds itself in being rather than in doing. Feminine energy shows her best face in leisure. She doesn't take time. She has time. She has time to be. This world is starving for this energy. It is part of the fire Christ came to cast on the earth-- a slow flame that burns from within and gradually transforms what it touches, precisely because it touches rather than clutches."
– A Tree Full of Angels by Macrina Wiederkehr



I love that. I have nothing more to say. :)

Thus begins Advent...

Its the First Week of the Advent season and I started my morning off with a good, early workout before work. I decided to start off this season by making room for the good – the riddance of insecurities, of pride, of laziness, of fear, etc. I have embraced the season and have felt convicted to base it around prayer. An in-depth search for what Christ has for me this season. I also began the Immaculate Conception Novena last night, as it will lead me right up to December 8th, the feast of the Immaculate Conception. Through this I will be discerning a ministry opportunity that I was provided. I know that She will provide for me the confirmation I will need. I am also excited for the goals in which Josh and I have set for Advent. I know that this will be a beautiful season. May the Good Lord move in great ways as we prepare to celebrate the Anniversary of His Birth....

Fresh Air.

Its been awhile. Today I feel inspired.

I signed onto etwn.com and found this quote beneath today's readings.

++ Christ does not force our will, He only takes what we give Him. But He does not give Himself entirely until He sees that we yield ourselves entirely to Him. – St Teresa of Avila ++

I have to be honest. Upon reading that quote, I did experience a small pang of guilt. I thought to myself, "Damn, I am so selfish." How often do I sit in prayer and think, "Ok God, for real this time!" As in, "Ok God, I want to yield myself entirely to you in this moment, but in 10 minutes, I may have changed my mind. Definitely by tomorrow I'll have already unyielded." He probably gets so excited when I say 'how for real I am' and yet, I retreat. It amazes me that He hasn't walked away yet, that He hasn't decided that I am too inconsistent for Him, to untrusting, too unfaithful. I honestly have not yet wrapped my brain and heart around the idea that HE IS NEVER WALKING AWAY. I mean, He should want to, right? (ha)

Our dear and loving God is such a safe God – a God who waits, a God who seeks, a God who loves more perfectly than any love we have ever known. It is amazing to me that He is so patient with me, that He is so attuned to my needs, that He knows when is too much and when is not. In all of the successful, holy relationships in my life, it is still (and will always be) virtually impossible for any of those people to know JUST what I need, when I need it. What a concept to know that My God, without explanation, without request, waits for me, knows me, and gradually works through me.

I think of a packing box, full of junk – things not needed, things wanted, things deserved, things requested, things earned, etc. The time comes when you need to fill in more things needed, good things, Holy Things, and there's no room. The bargain game begins – what can I get rid of to make room but hang on to as to not let go, not throw out, not 'feel empty?' So, you make a small amount of room and add the Holy Things, or as much as you can fit in this three-quarters full packing box. Its not long before you realize you need EVEN MORE Holy Things, so you engage again in the bargain game. Again, what can you let go of? What can you keep? Adding, slowly, more Holy Things.

Our Good Lord, in all of his miraculous efforts, COULD fit all of Who He Is in that box. He could find the room, make the room, adjust, add, subtract, multiply, divide, etc. He could force himself in until the box only closes when you stack 12 encyclopedias on top, jam it hard between both your right and left feet, and aggressively close it with a tape gun... until the next time you need it. He could. He doesn't. He waits. He wants you to make the room, to invite, to yield. He wants you to bargain with yourself until there is no more bargaining. He wants you to desire His Presence as the only contents of the now bent, folded, and mutilated packing box.

Good Lord, how patient you are!?!

I love that it is up to me. I love the ownership of that. I find freedom in the Patience of My Creator. I find freedom in the idea that He will never force, never pry, never demand. I hate it too. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from Loving more perfectly. I hate that I am the one who is keeping me from having a box full of Holy Things. I wish that I knew how to be fully open, fully yielded.

I am determined. Today I will untape my box; I will not bargain; I will not worry about tomorrow; I will not find more clutter to fill the space. I will simply remove the encyclopedias, untape my box and open all four flaps.

If nothing else, the contents of my box will get Fresh Air.